Put yourself in your child’s place before making divorce decisions and your child will thank you in the decades to come. Expert explains why and how.
United States of America (Press Release) January 15, 2008 --
West Palm Beach, FL: Statistics bear it out. Every January the number of couples filing for divorce rises dramatically. And this year the numbers seem to be even higher. When you think about it, the reason comes as no surprise. Many couples considering splitting decide to wait until after the holidays to break the news to their children. Others wait to take advantage of year-end job bonuses so they’ll have the extra funds to cover attorney, moving and other related expenses.
According to a new author, it’s not the why that should be concerning us at this time – it’s the how. How are these couples, if they are parents, going to approach their separation or divorce – and how will it affect their innocent children?
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, founder of the Child-Centered Divorce support network for parents, admits she too planned her separation at this time of year. “It was more than a decade ago when we broke the news to my son, who was eleven at the time, a couple of days after Christmas,” she explains. “We didn’t make the physical split until February 1st.”
“These winter separations can be especially difficult for children,” Sedacca says, “coming as it does in the middle of the school year. Parents need to bend over backwards to minimize the changes and transitions in their child’s life so as to keep school-related schedules, after-school activities, playtime with friends and other routines as much the same as possible.”
Choosing to co-parent, Sedacca and her former husband each maintained a residence, intentionally located within a mile or two of each other. Their son got off the school bus at one house or the other, with little disruption of his normal routine. “At the end of the school year one of his teachers came up to me,” Sedacca recalls, “saying she just learned that my husband and I split up during the year. She said she was quite surprised because my son didn’t skip a beat in school. He still maintained his straight As. You can’t imagine how gratifying that was for me.”
Sedacca, a Certified Corporate Trainer and relationship seminar facilitator, recently wrote a book based on her own successful experience. She has focused her life on alerting parents to the pitfalls of divorce if their decisions are not child-centered.
“When you mix two egos with dramatically differing perspectives, you’re bound to get an entanglement of emotions compounded by allegations, defensiveness and self-righteousness,” she warns. “When parents get caught up in their own emotional dramas, they too often lose sight of who really gets damaged in the process – their children.”
Her advice is simple, but not always easy. Put yourself in your child’s place and feel the insecurity, fear, anxiety, guilt and shame that child may be experiencing. Make decisions based on how your child is going to look back and remember these next several years.
• Did you put their physical, emotional and psychological needs first?
• Did you respect the fact that children innately love both parents and are wounded when one of them is disparaged, regardless of your personal perspective about it?
• Did you force your child to be a spy or go-between, taking on responsibilities that children should not bear?
• Did you ask your child to choose between loving Mom or Dad, or take sides in any way?
• Did you keep one of their parents from active participation in their life because you wanted to hurt your spouse?
Sedacca says these are destructive behaviors and decisions often made without considering the effects on the children who are inevitably scarred from the inside out. And they need not take place. “It’s not divorce per se that harms children,” she frequently remarks. “It’s the parent’s approach to divorce that makes all the difference in the world.”
Sedacca’s now grown son wrote the introduction to her new book, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children – with Love! What makes her book unique is that she doesn’t just tell parents what to say. She says it for them! She uses fill-in-the-blank, age-appropriate templates to guide parents in creating a personal storybook sharing family photos and history as a successful way to have that initial tough conversation.
Therapists, attorneys, mediators, educators, clergy and other divorce professionals throughout the US and beyond have endorsed her book and its innovative storybook concept. Six therapists contribute their expertise to the book, as well.
Sedacca says her purpose is to raise the consciousness of divorcing couples so they will stop, talk and create a caring plan of action before having that dreaded “divorce” talk with their children. She then provides six essential messages every child needs to hear and understand at this time.
Supported by her Child-Centered Divorce network, website, ezine, blog and other resources, Sedacca’s mission is clear: to encourage parents in consciously choosing to create a collaborative, harmonious Child-Centered Divorce which will benefit the entire family for months, years and decades to come. Sedacca’s son is proof that it can work successfully.
For more information about How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? and Sedacca’s Child-Centered Divorce network, free ezine and other resources, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
According to a new author, it’s not the why that should be concerning us at this time – it’s the how. How are these couples, if they are parents, going to approach their separation or divorce – and how will it affect their innocent children?
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, founder of the Child-Centered Divorce support network for parents, admits she too planned her separation at this time of year. “It was more than a decade ago when we broke the news to my son, who was eleven at the time, a couple of days after Christmas,” she explains. “We didn’t make the physical split until February 1st.”
“These winter separations can be especially difficult for children,” Sedacca says, “coming as it does in the middle of the school year. Parents need to bend over backwards to minimize the changes and transitions in their child’s life so as to keep school-related schedules, after-school activities, playtime with friends and other routines as much the same as possible.”
Choosing to co-parent, Sedacca and her former husband each maintained a residence, intentionally located within a mile or two of each other. Their son got off the school bus at one house or the other, with little disruption of his normal routine. “At the end of the school year one of his teachers came up to me,” Sedacca recalls, “saying she just learned that my husband and I split up during the year. She said she was quite surprised because my son didn’t skip a beat in school. He still maintained his straight As. You can’t imagine how gratifying that was for me.”
Sedacca, a Certified Corporate Trainer and relationship seminar facilitator, recently wrote a book based on her own successful experience. She has focused her life on alerting parents to the pitfalls of divorce if their decisions are not child-centered.
“When you mix two egos with dramatically differing perspectives, you’re bound to get an entanglement of emotions compounded by allegations, defensiveness and self-righteousness,” she warns. “When parents get caught up in their own emotional dramas, they too often lose sight of who really gets damaged in the process – their children.”
Her advice is simple, but not always easy. Put yourself in your child’s place and feel the insecurity, fear, anxiety, guilt and shame that child may be experiencing. Make decisions based on how your child is going to look back and remember these next several years.
• Did you put their physical, emotional and psychological needs first?
• Did you respect the fact that children innately love both parents and are wounded when one of them is disparaged, regardless of your personal perspective about it?
• Did you force your child to be a spy or go-between, taking on responsibilities that children should not bear?
• Did you ask your child to choose between loving Mom or Dad, or take sides in any way?
• Did you keep one of their parents from active participation in their life because you wanted to hurt your spouse?
Sedacca says these are destructive behaviors and decisions often made without considering the effects on the children who are inevitably scarred from the inside out. And they need not take place. “It’s not divorce per se that harms children,” she frequently remarks. “It’s the parent’s approach to divorce that makes all the difference in the world.”
Sedacca’s now grown son wrote the introduction to her new book, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children – with Love! What makes her book unique is that she doesn’t just tell parents what to say. She says it for them! She uses fill-in-the-blank, age-appropriate templates to guide parents in creating a personal storybook sharing family photos and history as a successful way to have that initial tough conversation.
Therapists, attorneys, mediators, educators, clergy and other divorce professionals throughout the US and beyond have endorsed her book and its innovative storybook concept. Six therapists contribute their expertise to the book, as well.
Sedacca says her purpose is to raise the consciousness of divorcing couples so they will stop, talk and create a caring plan of action before having that dreaded “divorce” talk with their children. She then provides six essential messages every child needs to hear and understand at this time.
Supported by her Child-Centered Divorce network, website, ezine, blog and other resources, Sedacca’s mission is clear: to encourage parents in consciously choosing to create a collaborative, harmonious Child-Centered Divorce which will benefit the entire family for months, years and decades to come. Sedacca’s son is proof that it can work successfully.
For more information about How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? and Sedacca’s Child-Centered Divorce network, free ezine and other resources, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
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